Twilight the Movie

Okay, people...I've put it off this long, but I feel that I must finally say something about the Twilight film. No, wait, I can't call it a film. The Twilight movie. By the way, this may contain spoilers, but since all of you have seen the movie already, most of you numerous times, it won't be anything new to you.

Total bitterness, on so many levels. First, I honestly hated the books, but read them because everyone I know loves and was reading them. (Yes, you...and you, and you, and you...seriously, I could make a list, but it would be a waste of time because you could just read the names on all the blogs I have listed at left and 9/10s of them would be Twilight fans.) I am SOOOOO anti-sick-relationships (having had more than 1 sick relationship in the past) and the Edward/Bella relationship is WAAAAAAAYYY too obsessive for me: I think Edward’s line in the movie makes my point when he states that she is his own personal brand of heroin. WHAT?! And I know everyone thinks it’s so hot/sweet/charming/wonderful that he spends 2 months watching her sleep…but I think it’s SUPER-creepy. Stalker with a capital S. And Psycho with a capital P. In reverse order. PS. That's Edward.

The casting was only decent, (Edward was well-cast, but I was disappointed with so many other characters,) and I was big-time irritated by just how much ETHNICITY there is in small-town Forks! A big grrrrr to political correctness. Not to mention the high school (and town!) looked FULL of people instead of empty and quiet. Jacob totally had this scary-looking pig nose, and was neither bashful nor severe enough. Didn’t do it for me. Maybe when he starts growing into a 10 foot tall, super-broad beasty boy they’ll swap actors. That’d be a god-send. And Jasper seriously looked CONSTIPATED. The whole movie. And it made me wonder if vampires have to use that bathroom, and what THAT would be like, which thoroughly grossed me out. (And now that I’ve said that, try not to think about it.) I mean, come on, if we’re talking vampires, you don’t want supermodel men…you want hot, sexy, slightly rough-around-the-edges men. And Edward is. But Jasper was constipated. Oh, and I thought the sparkly thing was well done (instead of being outright stupid and prismatic), but I REALLY wanted him to whip his shirt off. I think that might have quieted the snickering audience…to see Robert sans top. Who cares about the sparkles then? James didn’t bother me as much as Victoria, though he did seem like a creepy teenage punk, but Victoria should have been radiant, terrifying, a little OLDER, and had eyes to match her hair. They made way too much of Laurent’s eyes, and I hardly remember even seeing Victoria or James with red eyes. Speaking of Victoria, I loathed the whole “next movie coming soon” reference by us seeing Victoria in the end.

Speaking of stupid references, the apple drop-and-catch. Yeah, we get it. The book cover. Ha ha. But this is not Eve being tempted by the Devil, people, it’s an addict hooked on LSD, or Pandora being tempted by the box. Irritating.

Back to characters, though, Charlie was great, and I admit, being a parent, I loved watching him mess with his gun when he told Bella to bring in Edward. Very characteristic of Charlie…and of a Dad. But I didn’t particularly like Renee, probably because I’m such a fan of the series 24, and I can’t NOT think of her as Nina-the-bad-lady. Such is life when you’re an actor/ess, right? I wasn't really impressed by the Cullens, but they were fine, outside of Jasper...oh, and Rosalie. She actually looked like a Hispanic woman who had bleached her hair out. Threw me for a loop. Shoulda been Rosamund Pike. You know, someone who looks like Helen of Troy, a Greek goddess, a tall, stately NATURAL blonde. But whatever.

The producers were idiots, by the way. The film, with the popularity of the books and the inevitable attendance by women 12 - 60 again and again and again, should have had a MUCH bigger budget. Instead, we got stuck with horrendously low-budget special effects, Edward climbing trees and leaping off walls in the ballet studio OBVIOUSLY on wires, jumping from rock to rock or moving full-speed-ahead with that swishy Wonder Woman/Hulk 1970’s ghost trail, and with makeup that makes the Cullens look not vampiric but GOTHIC ALBINO. My husband flatly told me back when I started reading the books that if ever a movie cropped up, there was no way in HADES he was going with me and I’d have to find a bunch of girls to go with. So when Jason and Ginny came to visit Disneyland with her family and she asked me if I wanted to go with her and her sisters and mom, I was in; I missed our girls-in-the-ward midnight showing because, hey, I have 2 small kids and need to function. Besides, going with my anti-Twilight husband and hearing him laugh at the effects and watching him roll his eyes at the "sexiest" (can I call them that?) parts of the movie would have TOTALLY ruined it for me. And thanks to the budget, that's EXACTLY what he would have done.

All that said, and here’s the part I’m REALLY bitter about…I felt like a ruddy teenager watching the movie and for the first time got all stirred up over Edward. All of a sudden, vampires didn’t seem quite so bad. Which means that I’ll probably go see the next movie. I seriously doubt the majority of the cast will have learned to act by then (this was soap-opera quality at best) but at least by that time the producers will likely have learned (we can only pray!) that they can allocate a bigger budget to the movie and make their money back a hundred thousand times over, and I won’t have to see vampire legs swing forward during leaps like they’re on wires. UGH.

I think that about covers it, but if I missed anything, holler, will ya?

Oh, and I decided something: I hate Bella. Not because I want to be her, but because she pretty much has NO personality. That popped out at me the whole movie. Edward? Hot. Bella? Could have ceased to exist, and the plot almost could have continued without her! It's not that the actress is bad...it's just that she was given lines without a part...words without a character. Sad times, people. Good thing Edward was cute.

Okay, THAT covers it. Anything from the peanut gallery?